'mistletoe' came on and obviously i think of christmas and..........i teared. christmas is my favourite festive season and now i'm just not looking forward to it at all this is so fucking sad sigh

to friends of the opposite sex!

"babe dont cry everything will be ok"
"what is everything?"
"things will work out eventually"

which brings me to- what is things? my feelings for him? his feelings for me? our relationship?

yknw its honestly so amazing how i can be so strong for someone else, but can't do the same for myself, like i need someone else to tell me the exact same things i tell him. the.exact.same.thing. the irony........haha anyhowwwwwww just now saw me crying to a guy friend whom im not thatttttttttt close to (i mean, we are close but not as close as my main hang that kinda close) and surprisingly, he didn't freak out hahahahaha that's kinda amazing, no? now im amazed lol. actually now that i think about it the only guys (apart from... yeah) i've ever cried in front of comfortably without feeling like im making things awkward or uncomfortable are like, glen and noor.... and now i can add igen to that list lol weirdo...... i think it says alot about a relationship you share with someone when you can just...........let go. now that i think about it again (hahahahaha) they are also the only guys' house i go to, go to their room and just open the cupboard and take a pants i feel comfortable in and just change (of course not in their presence) LOLOLOL HAHAHAHAHA #kudostofriendshipslikethese i think every girl needs at least one guy friend like this. cause they also help you with your boy problems lol and tell you shit a girl would never think to do (bc guys are just.....guys)

and this part is for my dick friend igen since we're on skype now and he says i should write something really nice about him so he can get more action.

Igen is a.........nice person. when he chooses to be. he's brilliant and excellent IF he cares about you. and he's funny and smart. hes an idiot too and acts like a dick most times and when you go 'wherever the wind takes us' with him, you'll most definitely end up in serangoon. (to his advantage) but he knows when to stop (being a dick) and say the right things to cheer a girl up or anyone for that matter. but if he's not into you he's just really not into you. he has good fashion sense and let me just link you guys to his tumblr bc i love his tumblr lol http://kingigen.tumblr.com  i mean girls lets be real over here, a guy who knows his watch and cars and water?! (he drinks fiji) PLUS POINTS TO GUYS WHO KNOW THEIR WATER PLUS PLUS PLUS oh and if all that isn't enough, he drives HAHAHA so girls who wanna sign up, you'll be in for the ride of your life pun intended hahahahaha below is a picture of him and mcflurry

worst feelings I

another one of the worst feelings in the world is helplessness. (but only) when you cant help the people you love with their hardship. it feels like it's eating away at you, you wreck your brains for ideas on how to help, how to make things better, but you come up with nothing. or if you do come up with something, it probably isn't good enough. and when you know disaster will happen, but there's nothing you can do to stop it but stand at the sidelines and watch as it happens. :'( all the pain you feel (or thought you felt) pales in comparison when you think of the pain your loved one is going through.

the first person

The first person you think of when you wake up is either the cause of your happiness or pain. 

saw this the other day on @uberfacts and i got pretty upset because the first person i think of when i wake up, is the cause of both my happiness and pain. So then i was thinking about it, and it actually isn't that sad, because only the person who can make you happy, truly happy, is the one who can really cause you pain, simply because he/she matters. haha like why would irrelevant people even have an effect on you. same shit. So, i think uberfact should change it to The first person you think of when you wake up, is the cause of your happiness and that person is probably also the one who can cause you pain. or vice versa lol.

up up up downnnn and up up downn

things have been going pretty well? mostly because i keep reminding myself he still loves me (more in fact high 5 to myself hehe) and that he's less stingy with his 'i love you's and 'i miss you's, but there's still the occasional down where i just wake up from my sleep and start crying like crazy because i miss him too much lol. at least the bad dreams have stopped yay :) it's too late for regrets now so we're just fixing everything along the way, for a better next time (future sounds too cheesy) yeah i guess that's what we are now, two people in love trying to fix the mistakes we made so im going to end this post off with a cheeky photo tho i dont think he will like this too much haha ;) hehehehehehehehe bye off to buy some brownie keke

that one second

that one second where i just want to give up because it really is too much and then i remember this is the love i want, this is the love we both want, this is the guy i love and you don't give up on the people you love, especially the love of your life. so then i focus on his "it will always be you" confession to me through this difficult time, level up and then try again to bring my beautiful albeit idiotic patience-trying golden boy back.

i'm just gna ask this really nicely

you know where you stand can you please get out of our lives already. walk away. or roll away. roll away please. ROLL AWAY.

you see life is a crazy thing there'll be good times and there'll be bad times and everything in between

my friend told me (3 weeks ago but the situation has changed alot since then but still.) that i'm not getting better. to quote he said "you're not getting better. as in your sad frequencies are not that often anymore but when you're sad, you're still as sad" i think i agree because yes because. i should be happy now in fact i should be really happy but i'm so paranoid these days i think leroy infected me with his paranoia haha this feeling of insecurity + paranoia holy shit too intense. too intense for a carefree girl like me. i've always lived my life with....... no worries/any emotion too negative except the occasional assignment deadline hahah or being short on cash haha trivial matters and nothing very sad/bad have happened that has made me feel anything......less than happy all the time. yes i know i am blessed and i am grateful for my life. so these new feelings are very.......alien to me. alien bad man, not even alien good sigh.

my golden boy

i don't even know if people actually use that term in this way, but i use it anyway, because he is golden to me haha yknw when you meet someone golden you must hold on tight, unless it's suffocating the other person then let him/her go and just watch him shine from afar this is sad but ok nvm lets focus on the good. it's best if the feeling is reciprocated AND IM GLAD IT IS BITCHES BECAUSE I AM HIS GOLDEN GIRL WHM HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

i personally feel one of the better feelings in the world, if not the best, is when the people you love, loves you too. ESPECIALLY YOUR LOVER YA LOL. now i look forward to turning on my laptop cause everytime i see my login name im like DAMN RIGHT LUCKIEST GIRL EVER *\^v^/* k study time byebye

11:42pm
if anything, don't think, just feel. i've been thinking for the past hour and now my emotions are all over the place i can't place it right and i don't know how i feel about the way things are now and my feeings. i'm telling myself to 'just feel it let your emotions consume you min just feel them all' but my brains god they are not cooperating haha i am questioning myself my love his change etc etc but enough of all my love story for now I AM SO EXCITED FOR AUG!!!!!  firstly, i might be going for a race (well not technically it's just a night where all the fast cars come out to play) but i'm still in the midst of getting permission from my parents just cause it'll be way past midnight and it's dangerous bc "the cars are going at 120-160km/h anything can happen" haha i get where they are coming from but I'M A SPEED JUNKIE HAHA and i'll be very safe cause i won't be sitting in a japanese car (no offence haha) PLUS let me just quote "all the supercars are coming out that night all the ferraris and lamborghinis" oh my god nigga is so excited nigga can't even sit still while typing this everyone please pray for me that my parents will let me go please please please gan xie. secondly, well it's birthday month and things have already hit rock bottom, they can only go up right?! :) thirdly, I JUST WANT TO GO FOR THAT SUPERCARS NIGHT AND A RACE LA GOD HAHAHA

---------------------------------------------------

In life, you will realize there is a role for everyone you meet. Some will test you, some will use you, some will love you, and some will teach you. But the ones who are truly important are the ones who bring out the best in you. They are the rare and amazing people who remind you why it's worth it.

-unknown 

can i?

can i take another truth? or will that be too much? i feel like i'm shrinking away, i don't mean physically. i feel like with every truth told, i take a step back and reassess my emotions. is this good? or bad? anyhow ask me anything on http://ask.fm/whmcuteright i am bored.

it will never be the same

i always get damn annoyed with people who say this because they are so negative lol like "it will never be the same blabla happened" but the change could be for the better right?! haha but i get it, when you're sad only sad thoughts fill your mind and it takes alot of concentration and determination to remind yourself of the good thoughts....life. haha i always bring everything back to life LOL LIFE....... having some serious cupcake cravings now which is so weird because i've never really loved that shit lol urg

time

was just thinking how time flies by and then telling myself maybe i can do this two years thing. and then i realize, time only flies by when you're happy and having fun................................................life.

^v^ / :<

i love how i can still be so cheeky after everything, and how he can accept it still, and how we laugh together, how the sounds of our laughter matches each other's it's like nothing happened, except everything happened. so beneath all these cheekiness and smiles, is a sad girl who wishes nothing did happen. sigh i just made myself sad haha idiot.

we both won in a game of 2

we all go into a game to win. but i'm glad i didn't win today, cause that would mean he loses. i don't know how to collect my prize now tho lol. stupid ass analogy nigga actually used poker lol.

this song kinda describes everything that's going on now, almost accurate its scary. lol ellie you my soul mate

you trembled like you seen a ghost

and i gave in

i lack the things you need the most

you said where have you been

you wasted all that sweetness to run and hide

i wonder why

i remind you of the days you poured your heart into

but you never tried 

i've fallen from grace

took a blow to my face

i've loved and i've lost

i've loved and i've lost

explosions, on the day you wake up

needing somebody and you've learned

it's ok to be afraid

but it will never be the same

it will never be the same

you left my soul bleeding in the dark

so you could be king

the rules you set are still untold to me 

and i've lost my faith in everything

the nights you could cope 

your intentions were gold

but the mountains will shake

i need to know i can still make

explosions, on the day you wake up

needing somebody and you've learned

it's ok to be afraid

but it will never be the same

and as the floods move in

and your body start to sink

i was the last thing on your mind

i know you better than you think

cause it's simple darling, i gave you a warning

now everything you own is falling from the sky in pieces

so watch them fall with you, in slow motion

i pray that you will find peace of mind

and i'll find you another time

i'll love you, another time

explosions, on the day you wake up

needing somebody and you've learned

it's ok to be afraid

but it will never be the same.

do i really need to win

for the first time ever, i am actually considering the downsides to winning. they always say its not about the destination, its about the journey. i agree with it to a certain extent, but if its really all about the journey then why go about doing it in the first place? is there a way both parties can win? why must one have to win and the other lose? is winning really that important? but don't we go into anything with the intention to.....win? or is giving your best enough? but is your best good enough? 

because i want to put my faith to test and see how far i can go

today is all about how far my love can take me, how much i can take for my love, how much patience i have in me, how much discipline i have, and how my faith is turning out. so far..........not so good haha.


so anw, i've gotten "you put make up ah?" a few times these past couple of weeks haha did i really not take care of myself when i was in a relationship? i actually did bother more when i was in one, just bc imo people really don't look as good anymore when they have a partner, they just don't bother. these days i'm super lazy some days i don't even put moisturizer (my skincare routine is a one step regimen: moisturize after bath) ((i dont believe in cleanser or all that toner nonsense i think it just messes your face up)) lol and i don't even know how to apply make up hahaha tyng applies eyeliner on me when we do go for a night out. the only two things i use are concealer (my dark circles these days are hideous) and eyebrow pencil (the lady screwed my brows) ya man. thanks for the compliments tho. (i actually dont really see them as compliments bc you just tryna say i look like shit before but they say its a compliment so yeah wtv hahaha)


i have so much work to do this month it's actually a good thing i quit work. but then again, yall know me, i rather be bored than do work. i mean, LAST MINUTE WORK HAS MORE QUALITY DONT YALL AGREE LOL.

figure 8

"its such a rubbish feeling when someone doesn't love you back. when it happened to me, it was just the worst thing in the world. and like, i was obsessed with that. and i was obsessed with human behavior and i was obsessed with unrequited love and i think that song is just the epitome of it. it's just like you can't get anymore depressing than that. it's just like you're stuck in this figure 8."

breathe your smoke into my lungs
in the back of a car with you i stare into the sun

still not too old to die young

but lovers hold on to everything

and lovers hold on to anything 

i chase your love around a figure 8

i need you more than i can take

you promised forever and a day

and then you take it all away

place a kiss on my cheekbone

then you vanish me, im buried me in the snow

but something tells me im not alone

so lovers hold on to everything

and lovers hold on to anything

i chase your love around a figure 8

i need you more than i can take

you promised forever and a day

and then you take it all away

so lovers hold on to everything

and lovers hold on to anything

so lovers hold on to everything

and lovers hold on to anything

i chase your love around a figure 8

i need you more than i can take

you promised forever and a day

and then you take it all away 

forewarned

If a boy ever says, you remind me of someone- don't fall in love with him. You will never be anything more than second best.

-Lang Leav 

pissed off with myself

i cannot stand how much i 'care' about this person i dont even know and dont even care about. that doesnt make sense. let me rephrase that shit. i cannot stand how much the presence of this person affects me ahhhh perfect lol. i could just delete my first sentence but nah im too lazy for that. its like, i dont even know said person and i dont even want to know said person and i dont care if said person dies later, actually i will jump for joy oh my hahaha so mean but ok ya you get the drift?! someone so irrelevant comes along and makes such an impact urg gross. so disgusted and pissed off and disappointed with myself for letting shit like this happen. IRRELEVANT PEOPLE SHOULD JUST STAY IRRELEVANT. this is jealousy speaking. over. 

isnt it crazy

3.22
playing right into his hands and he knows it. i hate that i know he's doing this on purpose and it still affects me hahahahaha this is so messed up IF YOU ARE READING THIS YOU ARE MESSING ME UP AND YOU KNOW IT BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, NIGGA HERE IS AS STRONG AS YOU KNOW I AM AND EVEN STRONGER WHEN I KNOW WHAT I WANT/NEED. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I WANT AND YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD KNOW HOW I AM WHEN I WANT SOMETHING AND I WANT YOU SO YOU JUST SIT TIGHT BC NIGGA HERE IS GONNA BOX YOUR ASS SOON. love ya (imagine my smug smile now bc you know this is gonna end up the way we both want it to :D ) hahahahaha this is me being strong for two people welcome to my life.


isnt it so crazy that i know exactly what and how he's thinking and his reasons for thinking/doing them but im still fearful of the end result. its like, i know but i dont hahahaha i mean i know, i swear i do, but i cant be sure. oh the uncertainty that scares everyone. but its so crazy how well someone can know/understand another person so well its like hes my second skin and our heads and hearts work as one or maybe i am just crazy. so much going on in my head haha my thoughts are like opasudhfkjshlad this is an example of whats going on in my head "lets go eat chick- oh my jay chou wait where was oh ya its damn hot today" haha yes this is how scattered my thoughts are. i cannot focus on one thing for too long if not bad thoughts come creeping back in lol its so difficult to just focus on the happy/good ones when youre really feeling like crap and uncertain. i hope everyone else has a good saturday tho :)

!

9:58pm
i dont understand how some people can be so book smart but so dumb with regards to everything else. SERIOUSLY. ITS SO SIMPLE. IF GIRL LOVES BOY AND BOY LOVES GIRL, STAY TOGETHER. IF GIRL AND BOY GOT PROBLEM WHILE TOGETHER AND STILL LOVE EACH OTHER, FIX THE FUCKING PROBLEM. DO YOU CUT OFF YOUR WHOLE FINGER WHEN YOUR NAIL BREAKS? NO. YOU DO FUCKING NOT. YOU CUT OFF THE BROKEN NAIL. THAT IS ALL. WHY DO SOME PEOPLE JUST NOT.FUCKING.GET.IT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! or if boy and girl cant solve the problem, COMPROMISE YO. THE DICTIONARY HAS THIS WORD FOR A REASON. COMPROMISE. COMTHEFUCKINGPROMISE. oh god give me the strength to not rip off my whole head. SERIOUSLY, PEOPLE JUST LOOK AT THINGS WAY TOO COMPLICATED-LY. and things are only as complicated as what people make them to be. so guys, and gals, when you face a problem, just think simply. do not act one smart pants, start thinking like is 1+1=11 or window or wtv have you bc IT IS NOT. (i respect how everyone thinks honestly i do but) 1+1=2. go the fuck to bed now. urg.



i just almost cried because the media card went crazy for awhile and the pictures were all gone and i thought his love note to me was gone fuck my life i just heaved the biggest sigh of relief ever lol praise the lords hahahahahahahah ahhhhhh my god. i cannot deal hahahahaha

anxiety attack

11:35 we can only go up from here
i got a response. it isnt exactly what i wanted, but we dont always get what we want in life right. its a first step tho. and im just glad. and happy. and relieved. :')

10:35pm
bruise and cuts from god knows where so pissed off with myself so pissed off i let the people i love down so bloody pissed off.

i am having an anxiety attack now haha i am so nervous my heart is pounding time is passing too slowly hahaha oh god. i passed him my journal, what i really feel about everything (a more in depth and crude version of the past few posts) and omg i am n-e-r-v-o-u-s gahhhhhhhhh with every minute i get more anxious haha omg omg omg listening to jay chou to help me with my nerves hahahahahaha WO HEN PROUD WO SHI HUA REN OMG HAHAHA wish me luck guys i hope i get the reaction i want. if not. i really did it give it my all.

even the best falls down sometimes

is this relationship too much for me i thought i was strong enough