i almost can't tell anymore. i think i am losing myself in all this.

8:52
i have this stupid problem hahaha i always push people and sometimes it backfires on me. i need to take 10000 chill pills and take the back seat now LOL be a back seat bitch lol you can do this min

love

it works in such a weird way, no? you try to help and protect each other through stupid ways like being selfless and selfish both at once, but you end up hurting each other more.

all them other niggas lame and you know it now when a real nigga holds you down you supposed to drown.
bound 2 fall in love

!!!!!!!!!

i am so happy SO FUCKING HAPPY I CAN FEEL ALL THE POSITIVE ENERGY AGAIN thank you to everyone who went through this shit with me. it has honestly been the worst thing i've been through. yes you guys may think like what?!?! a break up is the worst shes been through?! YES it is. to all the people who i dont know personally whose been reading this space, i hope i didnt make you tear, too. haha i will try my best to update this space as often as possible (someone asked me on my askfm to not stop blogging but i feel like its one of my friends being a troll) haha but if its not and its anyone of you, thank you. AND PLEASE, ASK ME QNS ON http://ask.fm/whmcuteright i am sooooo bored. & as a big thank you and because i am in such a brilliant mood, here is a picture of yours truly just being cute as usual.

goodnight :>

THE WEIGHT LOSS IS REAL

hahahahahaha 39.5kg.

my dad tells me i look like a walking dead.

and people have been asking me if im anorexic/underweight

LOL SO THIS IS MY WEIGHT LOSS TIP. 

BREAK THE FUCK UP 

HAHAHAHAHAHA

and every girl needs to go to uniqolo and get these panties. you're welcome.

speaking of I AM SO PISSED OFF WITH HOUR GLASS AND SINCERE AND CORTINA BUT HOUR GLASS MAINLY. I COULDVE CAME HOME WITH A NEW BABY TODAY BC MY MOTHER SET A BIG BUDGET FOR HERSELF N I TONIGHT FUCKS ME URGGGG IF I HAD KNOWN ALL IT TOOK TO GET A NEW WATCH WAS A BREAK UP!!!! AHAHA KIDDING. urgggggggggggg 

while on skype with my uncle who's in cambodia

"leroy and i broke up"
"i was looking forward to having dinner with you and roy when i come back on the 11th"

he calls leroy roy lol
this is how tight my family is, and it is so true, that so many people and things come and go in your life, but your family. they will always be with you. i always pray my friends grow up in a family like mine, because i honestly feel my family is the best. but then again, everyone thinks their family is the best haha. go tell your parents and siblings you love them, now!! and next time you see your aunts or uncles or cousins or grandparents, tell them the same. or just call them tmr in the middle of the day and tell them how happy you are they are who they are to you. spread love like violence.

faltering faith

i have never wanted to be proven right so much until now please please whoever please i just want to be right this time. i need to be. i have never felt more betrayed in my life. this feeling of wanting to hate someone so bad i have never hated anyone i just have no time for hate i just dont bother but this time this once i really want to hate. this is killing me.

i was randomly looking through the phone and i saw this note titled resolutions. guess what was #1. haha the irony. the thing about resolutions........nobody really keeps to them no? but 2012's resolution went through, so was it too much to ask for another year?

8:29pm
i have never felt so much anger in my heart i am so so so so so fucking angry i need to hit something i need to hit someone now should be perfect timing i pick up boxing

ask me anything

PLEASE. I AM BORED.TO.DEATH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
http://ask.fm/whmcuteright
http://ask.fm/whmcuteright
http://ask.fm/whmcuteright
http://ask.fm/whmcuteright
http://ask.fm/whmcuteright
http://ask.fm/whmcuteright

dont hate what you cant understand

i dont understand how someone can say "im not good for you" after being in a relationship with someone for a prolonged period of time. thats like eating durian everyday for two years and then suddenly realising youve never liked durian. wait, am i making the right analogy? yes right. yes ok. like whatttt?! realising you're not good for someone, shouldnt that come even before you decide "ok she is it i want to get into a relationship with her". i came up with a list of why anyone would feel they are not good for anyone and this it: hes secretly a gangster's son and might put your life in danger. the person is dying of some illness and is saying it to protect the other party (too much drama i know haha) or how about family backgrounds????? and then this is my final one and the one which i think is it; he knows he is about to hurt you (w smth hes probably going to do or just did) and quickly says IM NOT GOOD FOR YOU to make it up to show that he isnt the biggest douche lord in town. 
orrrrrrrr maybe after being together then he realises he is not good but still, this doesnt take long to figure out right? i am so disappointed right now.  what if everyones right and I've just been having faith and beliveing his best.

i will be lying

if i said im not sad about my physical attributes disappearing lol people will think 'this girl is going through a break up and she can actually be sad about her breasts and ass shrinking??!!?!' yes i am actually very sad about this hahahahaha i mean even more so now im single im suppose to look extra hot but no no no i lost them all lol barely finished a 6'' cold cut the whole day sigh 1 month ago that shit would be gone in 5 mins lol oh i just got a craving for waffles nice. time to get my big booty back i mean DONT WE ALL LOVE A BIG BOOTY HOE HAHAHAHA night.

has it just been me all along

i've never felt an emptiness like this until now. this void in my life/heart this is so new to me. i get emotional over the smallest things i tear reading paragraphs of anything not happy lol i actually got excited (this i havent felt in a long time) when igen said 'lets go party' when i said fuck school hahaha this shit never happens. the stupidest most insignificant things actually gets me excited now wtf is wrong with me. my life is so messed up my head and heart are screwing up i actually really think i might die soon from all the pounding my heart has been going on at the past 3 weeks. i can sit down YES SIT DOWN and my heart just pounds away like i just ran 2.4 wtf. i feel like a loser so many people break up everyday and so many other sadder things happen to people but i am acting like my break up is the worst break up in the world like i am the saddest kid in the room with no ice cream while the other kids smash their faces into their ice creams lol it really is time i step up my game and move the fuck on.

tyng says

you cant save everyone. especially nice people, they need to break before they can learn. he will be grateful to you later for this. but why do i have to be the one to break him why cant i be the one who gets to enjoy him after hes learned and i dont want his gratitude i want his love. this is going to be a long one. buckle up min dont hate the player hate the game

if you love me so much then why'd you let me go

haha i actually disagree with my title bc i did (and still do) love him alot when i let him go when he wanted a break. i mean, it was precisely bc i love him so much that i did it for him. o love....so selfless and selfish all at once. but anyhow, ive decided that i should start saving myself. i mean, if we are really meant to be, this shit aint got nothing on us hahahahaha like he said he'll want a fair chance to fight for my love again when the time comes but right now, im just gna let him sort his things out. i really wanted to help him, save him from his own demons, and i really did stay strong and have faith for the both of us but..........this is enough. i just weighed myself i am fucking 41kg the fuck i lost 4-5kg in 2 weeks!!!! (girls weight loss tip) this shit is so crazy, and i cant be sad forever. it hurts me so much that the people around me are sad bc i am sad haha ytd at dinner my aunt literally came up to me and hugged me and choked on her own tears to tell me to be happy again. and i know everytime i cry my parents hearts shatter a little haha and really my sister who sleeps with me lol i cannot even begin to imagine the shit she went through and all my friends ah what would i do without them hehe they really are the best, bc friends dont break up with friends hahahahaha i love all of you. i love all of you so much
and this is to mirabelle i dont like you n its not you its human nature in fact you actually look like a nice person but i just dont like you haha. so i hope you dont go wtf this bitch is so fucking cray (but i am actually a bitch whose cray) he is not a problematic child (yes im crazy and stalkerish like this) the hell?!?!??!?!?! look at all these pictures SO WHAT if he cant smile right so what if he has an awkward smile, at least hes happy

so yeah i dont like you. PLEASE dont get drunk at 2am again i mean the night just started!!!!!!!!!! (this is female to female take care of yourself you will not always have a friend like leroy who wont take advantage of your drunkness and shit (being real right here female to female haha))

and this is to everyone whos been reading this space through my break up (i was so bored i actually checked my stats 200+ views a day thanks!! ^^), i hope i didnt make anyone sad or anything and if youre going through a break up yourself, AIYA YOU JUST GOTTA BE STRONG FOR YOURSELF AND THE PEOPLE WHO REALLY LOVE YOU. haha goodnight.

hovering between having faith and stupidity

my downfall is that i always see the best in everyone and i believe no one will want to harm me intentionally. ive been told countless times i trust people too easily. hah i feel so stupid now, and to think i always told leroy people will take advantage of him bc hes too kind. me having faith and believing the best in everyone, i feel so fucking stupid now. so.fucking.stupid.

so this is my plan here on out
1. be more guarded
2. do not trust people so easily
(1 n 2 are kinda the same haha)
3. esp guys (no i m not turning gay) bc lets be real over here everyone a guys mind is 10x faster than ours they see us and they imagine us naked LOL (THIS IS TRUE even between bestfriends im not gna lie maybe not after months/years of friendship but at the beginning THIS IS TRUE I SWEAR)
4. JUST BE CAUTIOUS but dont be overcautious then you'll make no friends n might even lose some

(this post has nothing to do with my breakup he is a good man lol)

it still hurts as much after two weeks. i am pissing myself off. all this crying and not eating right i am so fucking tired of this i just want to be happy again. i just want to be happy with him again.

when i close my eyes i can still feel his hands cradling n caressing my face, and telling me that this is ok and that i am strong enough for this.






but i am not
he was wrong
i need my bf back

it just sucks my love costs me my relationship

i told habibah that i feel connected when i see him online on whatsapp and she said but what if hes online bc hes messaging the other girl and i said he might be but in that instance i know hes looking down on his phone probably sitting on the bed after one happy proud round of dota and we're both doing the same thing all i need to do is reach out into the phone to the other side and i can caress him n feel him again i m a nut case lol

How long does it take to unlove someone

(unlove isn't a word but I am just going to use it). We broke up on the 8th and today is the 20th it is 3.35am. Sometimes i wake up feeling no pain, nothing, and I think if I've stopped loving him but few seconds/minutes later all the pain comes back the pain of not having him here anymore the pain thinking of the night when he said he didn't love me anymore the pain he feels for my pain, just everything.
We made a deal and my end of the deal was to try my best to stop loving him in a month. The truth (currently) is, I rlly don't know if I'm in love with the memories we/i had or him as a person anymore. But before I continue this is what my love is to me: leroy makes me feel full, alive (as cheesy n corny as that sounds) I am at my happiest with him and also my lowest, he makes me feel everything he makes me feel dumb yet smart at the same time he makes me irritated and exasperated and everything good and bad sometimes I want to strangle him n most times I just want to keep kissing him n remind him how much I love him. He makes it clear to me that all the other guys I met before him are just....retards along the way. I have never planned my life around a guy until leroy. This feeling of helplessness and power all at once is so...........love to me hahaha. I'm trying to keep my end of the deal, but for the wrong reasons. I'm trying to unlove him because I love him and this is what he wants. ISN'T THAT SO DEMENTED URG WHM. How do I unlove someone when I love/(d) him so hard before. And how do I unlove someone knowing I'm doing it exactly bc I love him. Its two totally different shit like trying to burp and fart at the same time hahahahaha pulling (pushing actually haha) from two opposite ends. ive been trying to do it the hard way i literally stare at pictures of him with this new girl lol the first ten seconds i feel nothing and then i feel a very weird pull in my heart then tears start coming then nothing at all, and then the process repeats. 
Tyng says its all in the head (which I agree to a certain extent) our minds are really very strong but my heart feels happiness just loving him lol oh god this whole thing just contradicts itself fuck idk so really, just how long does it take to unlove someone you thought you were gonna spend the rest of your live with. Or CAN I EVEN UNLOVE A LOVE LIKE THIS. 

purpose

ever since igen told me to 'find your purpose in life even if you take your whole life you owe it to yourself to do that' (he got it from man of steel hes not this smart) i feel like the most useless prick ever what is my purpose. purpose; the reason for which something exists. what do i exist for does my existence even mean anything to anyone (apart from my family) i always wonder about my existence and the fuck now i feel so dumb ive never thought about the purpose of it. i was talking to hana n coretta about this and they said earn money and live well if this is my purpose i just want the haze to kill me tonight in my sleep. and i realize i feel deeply for everything (but is that just kindness n empathy n feelings) is my purpose in life just to love n care about everyone i love deeply is this even a fucking purpose or just to have faith in everyone/thing or is my purpose in life just to laugh at people actually why do i laugh at people so much thats not nice min but ive always known that but i still continue doing it. on a side note i actually do believe in karma which is why ive cut down on this bad habit hahahahaha U FAT BITCH THO GET OUT THE WAY ok stop.

 i just googled purpose in life lol and most of the stuff on is about believing in god and shit hahahahahaha this is so shit but i am going to try this: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2005/01/how-to-discover-your-life-purpose-in-about-20-minutes/
hopefully this works and if it doesnt, its ok. since ive been living 18 n a half years without a purpose. night.

finally

ive never understood when people say you expect more from a boyfriend than from a friend. in fact, igen just told me this 2 nights ago but it didnt really make sense till i opened the fridge this morning and saw a box of green tea kit kat. its just bloody kit kat but i stood there, just staring at it and it finally made sense. ENLIGHTENMENT LOL. leroy told me 4 weeks ago (before the break up) that he would bring me some and as the days go by that we met up and i never did receive any i was like mehhh. i mean its just kit kat and its not like i love green tea kit kats lol. i guess it was the fact he said it but never did it. igen told me he'll bring some to cheer me up and 2 days later its in the fridge. im not saying leroys a bad boyfriend in fact hes the best this is just one of the very few things he said but never did.

this past week has been hell legit hell ive balled my eyes out lost 3kg fucked my body up and ive irritated everyone around me and i even went clubbing hahaha i hate being sad. being sad is so fucked up i hate sad people so i started hating myself a little. thats the worse, hating yourself. AND SHOUT OUT TO GENGEN AND MUCHACHA THANKS FOR THE GENTLE LOVE tyng and cel has been fucking me up with tough love lol im rejecting all tough love ya right now i need gentle. my parents are still on holiday and it has made this breakup easier to deal with i know they'll be sad af if they see me crying n then ill cry more bc they are sad too haha o how love works but i did tell them over skype/whatsapp and i cry a little each time SO GUYS PLEASE STOP ASKING ME WHAT HAPPENED BC WHEN I TALK I CRY AND LOSE MY APPETITE. which reminds me i need to go get my license asap ive spent so much $$ cabbing out past midnight this past week.

i am not as sad anymore but of course i still am, theres this dull nagging in my heart i cant rlly describe it. ive decided im not going to get into a relationship anytime soon i need a break but having said that IF LEROY COMES BACK I AM LAUNCHING MYSELF INTO HIS ARMS AGAIN HAHAHAHAHAHA I FUCKING LOVE YOU BABY HAHAHAHAHA OK BYE I NEED TO EAT.

some pictures of how ive been spending my week obviously not with igen everyday wtf thats just creepy but no one else posts pictures so yes this is it HOW AM I SO CHIO EVEN WHEN IM SAD HAHAHAHAHA KK BYE

 #fbff dats fucking best friend forever so much passion FUCKING BEST FRIEND FOREVER

 #cantlaughattyngnomore #sian

 #restingonacarisbetterthansittingbytheroadside

#350power #richkidsdoitbetter cel n i #backseatbitches